Diary of a Nocturnal Nomad

It took me a week and a half to get over my foolish drinking spree last April 30. I am not talking about the Grade B hangover that I got the day after but the awful feeling I got about myself.

When I was a kid, I've always hated those people who are problematic and then would resort to alcohol to have a temporary escape. Never thought I would be one of them. I even revealed my wasted side to a bunch of people I have only known for less than a month.

It was a good thing that my kids are in Batangas, so they did not see their beloved mom break into pieces. However, if my kids were at home waiting for me at that time, I would have had the strength to drink in moderation. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this blog.

My mind would always go back to March 28, 2009. My eldest daughter Charlize, woke up early but did not leave the bed. She just lied there. I felt something was bothering her so I asked what's wrong.

"Mommy, I'm sad because today is my graduation and I am not there," she said with warm tears falling down her young, rosy cheeks.

That was the biggest heartbreak of my life. She was not able to graduate because I was not able to pay her tuition balance because I lost my job two months ago. Last January when that happened, the pain has not sink in yet but that fateful day when I saw Charlize crying it felt like my heart will never be whole again.

I always pray to God. If you are going to give me painful challenges, I would accept it whole-heartedly but please never let my kids feel them not even a light stroke. But I felt betrayed.

I even made matters worse by drinking too much. I was selfish because I turned to alcohol for a quick fix not thinking of the kids who are depending on me. I even allowed myself to go astray by wanting a complete stranger's attention not knowing if he is a gentleman or a complete asshole.

I have a bad habit of dwelling in the past. My PST trainer Madz taught us a valuable lesson: "learn to detach." Something I really have to work on. Focus. Keep my eye on the prize. I am not here for a fairytale ending. I am not a princess locked up in a tower waiting for her prince to rescue her. I am a mother living, fighting and striving for her kids. Never would I let myself be derailed again.

XOXO,
Torilicious

(Click photo to enlarge)

It is in the vastness of the sea's horizon that I am at most peaceful.

For:

My friend Bambi and I went to a videoke bar last night which left me sick with a fever the morning after, but it was all worth it. I had a great time not only because of the venue but because I was with a friend whom I've known for more than 10 years.

Anyway, Bambi sang a song which left a mark in my heart, corny as it sounds. It was a sad song from the play Les Miserables. I haven't seen the play but I loved the song "On My Own"until she introduced me to this one. An equally-tragic piece:

I Dreamed a Dream
(Fantine)

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.


XOXO,
Torilicious